As the Years Go By
by Misha
Summary: The very first fanfic I ever wrote. Cordelia reflects on the day that changed her life forever.


As The Years Go By   
By Misha 

Disclaimer- Not mine! All the Buffy stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB. The song Full of Grace isn't mine either. It belongs to Sarah McLachlan. 

AuthorÕs Note: This takes place after ÒWhatÕs My LineÓ. CordyÕs POV. 

Feedback- Please! Send feedback but no flames. This was my very first fanfic, so please be kind. 

Distribution- Buffy's Passion, Daydreams of BtVS, and Slay This! have permission, everyone else just ask me first. I'll almost always say yes. 

Rating- PG-13 

Classification- Cordelia, character death, reflective piece, hints of Willow/Oz, Buffy/Angel, Xander/Cordelia, major angst. 

Spoilers- WhatÕs My Line Pt1. 

Many years ago someone, I can't remember who, said that of all your memories there'll be one you'll never forget. It may fade in time, but it'll always be there. I think the person was my mother. 

Anyway, she said it'll either be a memory of a happy time or of something that changed your life forever. 

Mine is of a day long ago, a day our worlds shattered. When I say our I mean us, the group of us chosen to help the slayer in her fight. We weren't chosen the same way as her, but in a different way. When I think of my teens I divide them into two parts, before The Spring Fling of 1997 and after. Even the after I have to divide into before we lost her and after. Let me tell you about that day I still see so clear, the day the darkness claimed one more. 

I remember that I was dancing with Xander and Willow was just staring at Oz, who was across the table from her. He was staring at her back. Angel ran into The Bronze. He looked around and the worried look on his face beckoned us to him. 

"Where's Buffy?" He asked, his voice breaking. I remember my heart skipping a beat. What if something had happened to her? By the time I tuned back into the conversation, they had decided to look for her. Xander clutched my hand for support and I gave it to him. 

_The winter here is cold and bitter,   
it's chilled us to the bone.   
We haven't seen the sun for weeks,   
to long too far from home. _

I feel just like I'm sinking,   
and I claw for solid ground.   
I'm pulled down by the undertow,   
I never thought I could feel so low. 

I was the first to see her. We couldn't find her any where and Willow suggested the park. Sure enough, there she was lying on the ground. 

The worst part was that she wasn't dead when we found her. Even after all this time I still can't decide whether it was good or bad that she was still alive when we found her. Maybe it was good because we got to say goodbye, but it made us hurt more. We weren't prepared to actually see her die. 

I think we all thought that one day we find her body then deal, grieve and move on, that's how I thought it would happen. I mean we all knew that she probably wouldn't make it to graduation, but we weren't ready. None of us, and I don't think we ever would've been. 

Angel gathered her gently in his arms, then she weakly called us all towards her. 

"Wow, this is how it ends," she said, looking at each of us in turn, "I want you guys to know I love you all, in different ways. Xander, you like a brother. Willow and Cordeila as sisters and my best friends ever. Oz you were becoming like a sturdy big brother to me too." Her voice was soft and breaking with her tears. 

Then she turned to look up at Angel. "And Angel, I love you as my true love, because you were. Tell my mom, Ms.Calender and Giles how much I love them. And Angel donÕt even think about making me into a vampire, itÕs time. My time's run out. They say in the Bible there's a time for every thing under the heaven. I guess mine's finally over. Goodbye." 

She reached up and kissed Angel one last time, it was the sweetest, purest kiss I've ever seen. Then she left us. Our sweet Buffy left us. 

_Oh darkness I feel like letting go.   
If all of the strength and all of the courage,   
come and lift me from this place.   
I know I could love you much better than this,   
full of grace,   
full of grace,   
my love. _

So it's better this way, I said,   
having seen this place before.   
where everything we said and did,   
hurts us all the more. 

We all lost it, in different ways. Willow fell to the ground sobbing, and a tearful Oz comforted her. Xander just stood there, frozen, not allowing us to comfort him. Angel still held her in his arms, he was crying "Nooooooooooooooo" over and over. 

I think loosing her was hardest on him. We just had to live without a friend, he had to live without his soul mate. And I was just standing there refusing to let myself think about her being gone. 

_In the same old sickly skin,   
I'm pulled down by the undertow.   
I never thought I could feel so low,   
Oh darkness I feel like letting go. _

If all the strength,   
and all of the courage,   
come and lift me from this place.   
I know I could love you much better than this,   
It's better this way. 

It's been over 10 years since that day. Giles died of a heart attack 17 hours after Buffy's death. Willow and Oz married and had a daughter Elizabeth whom they call Buffy, named in honour of what the books say was the strongest slayer in history. 

Angel asked Kendra to dust him, and she did right over Buffy's grave. They're together now. Mrs. Summers never found out the truth and she moved away from Sunnydale after Buffy died saying, "It's to hard. There are too many memories here." 

Ms.Calender never married and was killed by a vampire 3 years ago. She's buried next to Giles. I'm glad that like Buffy and Angel they're together in death, because they loved each other the same way. 

Kendra was killed months after Buffy. After she died the few of us left distanced ourselves from the slaying game. At least we tried. 

The night before we were supposed to be married Xander was attacked and killed by a vampire. I gave birth to our son, Alexander Harris Chase, 7 months later. Xander never even knew I was pregnant. 

After all this time I've realised as much I try I'll never forget the night it all started to crumble, though now I can say goodbye to her. I never could before. 

Goodbye dearest Buffy. I believe in my heart that they're all together, Buffy, Angel, Giles, Ms.Calender, Kendra, and Xander, and that they're waiting for the rest of us to join them. Until then I will remember them with all the emotion they deserve. 

The End


End file.
